When hard news hits, figuring out what to do next may feel overwhelming. But there are ways to cope.
When Dr. Ellen Astrachan-Fletcher got a call one day from her best friend, Kim, the news was bad. Kim had a terminal illness. She was told by her doctor that she had only a few months left to live.
Kim had young children, and she was heartbroken. She was also riddled with guilt at the thought of leaving them too soon. “She needed somebody to listen to her — not to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, and she was being ridiculous,” says Dr. Astrachan-Fletcher. “She needed somebody to validate her feelings.”
Dr. Astrachan-Fletcher helped Kim write future letters for her children to read during birthdays, when they were about to head off to college, and on their wedding days. “I helped her think through ways she might have an impact on their lives, even after she was gone. I was glad I was able to be there for her, to hear her cry, and to listen to her talk about how scared she was.”
Dr. Astrachan-Fletcher is no stranger to having these types of talks with patients. She’s a clinical psychologist who teaches at Northwestern University’s school of medicine. Of course, that didn’t make this conversation with her friend any less painful. But Dr. Astrachan-Fletcher believes that talking with her helped put Kim’s mind at ease.
Maybe you’re coping with a loved one’s life-changing diagnosis. Or perhaps you’re coming to terms with your own. Either way, you’re going through a tough time. Nothing will make that easier. But there are coping strategies that can help you make your way through the darkness. Here are five tips to try.
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Getting a serious health diagnosis can be devastating. Your first step, says Dr. Astrachan-Fletcher, is to hit the pause button. “This is enormous, difficult information to digest and comprehend,” she says. “Don’t make any rash decisions. No matter what your first impulse might be, take some time to take it all in.”
Whether the diagnosis is yours or a loved one’s, give yourself the freedom to feel anything. Acknowledge your emotions, whether that’s frustration, anger, or fear.
Who are the friends and family members you call when things are great—and not so great? Those are the ones you should rely on right now.
“Connecting with people is the most important thing right now. Especially when all you really want to do is retreat into yourself,” says Dr. Astrachan-Fletcher. “Don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Allow yourself to be honest. Cry if you need to.”
Not comfortable being open or upfront about what’s troubling you with your loved ones? You can also look into support groups. Some good resources: griefshare.org and cancer.org. Think about what you’re looking for from a group, such as chatting with others having the same treatment as you or gathering more information. You can usually find a condition-specific program that fits your needs.
It’s important to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. After all, illness or death of a loved one is among the most stressful events people go through in life.
For you, self-care might be getting a massage, watching a favorite movie, or simply taking some time to meditate. It might also be talking to a mental health professional. “By the time you’re faced with a crisis, you already know what’s helped you in the past,” says Dr. Astrachan-Fletcher. “Whatever that is, do more of it now.”
Studies have shown that writing about stressful or traumatic events in our lives can help us make sense of the difficulties we’re facing. Even writing a thank-you note to someone in your inner circle, or your care team, can help boost feelings of well-being. Think about keeping a journal. Or dash off a note to someone who did a small act of kindness for you. Writing — and gratitude — are therapeutic.
When you're dealing with tough news, you might not be able to run a marathon or even get to the gym. But even easy and gentle exercise — like walking around the block — has been shown to boost your mood. One study found that exercise helps the brain make mood-enhancing chemicals.
